A Heart's A Heavy Burden
by Avi W. Lovegood
Summary: Basically, this is the movie in Howl's POV. Movie-verse, obviously. Hope ya like it. Rated T for blood and violence in later chapters. Beginning chapters are very short but will get longer as story goes on. Remember, reviews are love! :
1. Our Story Begins At Last

Chapter 1: Okay, so I was watching Howl's Moving Castle again and one of my total random plot bunny ideas jumped out at me. It is just Howl's Moving Castle in Howl's POV.

EDIT of 2-11-12: I'm back and kicking! And…Jesus, I am so embarrassed of my old writing style. I should have edited this /ages/ ago, and to all of my beloved readers, I apologize thoroughly for not updating and suddenly falling off the face of the Earth for almost a year. But I'm alive. I'm back. And man, am I ready.

I was weaving my way through the enormous crowd that had gathered to watch the parade, trying to get away from the Witch of the Waste's minions. I still wasn't even sure how they found me. I stepped quickly, blending in with the crowd that lined the cobblestone street, praying that nobody would notice me.

Psh. This day was supposed to honor the soldiers and all that.

Please.

All the real soldiers had gone off to join the war that brewing up in north Ingary. The only ones left were a bunch of good for nothing, puffed up peacocks that did more trouble than good. It was getting to the point where the women of this town knew not to go outside after dark, for fear of the "soldiers" prowling about.

Still, it was enjoyable to see all the festivities. I smiled faintly as a little girl with red curly hair and a boy who I assumed was her brother ran to the front of the crowd. If I still had my heart, then maybe I would be along the sidelines also, cheering on the meatheads who marched in formation. I took a good look at the soldier's serious, arrogant faces and the lock step poses they held. I wrinkled my nose. Then again, perhaps not.

When I passed one of the narrow alleyways that stretched throughout the city, I thought I heard rough voices. "_Just ignore it_." I pressured my mind, "_You have no business in it. Keep walking_."

But it seemed my conscious was fighting back."Leave me alone!" a young girl cried. I groaned and doubled back, looking into the alleyway. Her back was too me, but I could tell that she was skinny in a fragile way, and her voice was very faint, even when she was panicked. I frowned. My eyes narrowed as I saw the two men in bright blue uniforms. Of course. Well, I had to do _something_. Lord knows what those to idiots would do to the poor girl.

I walked quickly toward them, a plan forming in my mind. They didn't notice me walking toward them. "There you are sweetheart, I was looking for you everywhere, sorry I was late." I said, putting a hand on around her shoulders. She was shaking. This infuriated me more than it should have.

One of the wretches looked up at me. "Hey, hey, we're busy here." He said in an annoyed tone of voice. Trying my hardest not to scowl, I used my honey voice again. 'Are you really? It looked to me like you were just leaving." I moved my hand, thinking a word of power, and they straightened up, and marched away. A useful spell, that one.

I turned to the girl. It was only now that I noticed that she had big brown doe eyes, which were looking up at me, frightened. "Don't hold it against them, they actually aren't that bad." I said, trying to sooth her. "Where were you headed, I'll be your escort." Couldn't leave her just to have her be cornered by more soldiers. Her eyes widened. "Oh, I was just going to the bakery." Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I saw that despicable witch's blob minions coming toward us. Damn. I leaned toward the young girl, keeping my voice low. "Don't be alarmed, but I'm being followed. Act natural." She looked alarmed anyways, but nodded.

As we started down the alleyway, I heard the blob men seeping out of the walls behind us. Of course. They couldn't at least wait until I was alone? Trying to stay pleasant for the girl's sake, I started looking for any sudden exits. Spying a turn up ahead, I decided that I might as well tell her what was going on. "Sorry, looks like you're involved." Well…a warning would work at least.

They started to appear in front of us. "This way!" I said, turning again, my arm locked around her thin waist. They were blocking the exit. I looked up. "Hold on." I said to her. Running faster I jumped in the air, murmuring a spell under my breath that would keep us in the air. "Now, straighten your legs, and start walking." She did so, and gasped. I smiled at her to try and comfort her. The young brunette seemed unsteady on her feet in the zero gravity. She wasn't as half as bad as my apprentice, Markl, though, I had to give her that. When I taught him the spell, he had lost heart halfway through and fallen to the ground. I laughed at the memory. She was still looking a little frightened, but we hadn't fallen yet. "You are a natural." I said to her. She smiled at me. I blinked, because when she smiled, it lit up her entire face, and her fear seemed to disappear.

"_Focus, Howl. Just get her to where she needs to go."_ I thought to myself. We finally landed on the balcony, and since I knew that the Witch had a taste for revenge, I gave her a warning. "I'll lead them off for you, but wait a little bit before you go outside." She nodded. "Kay." Her voice was so small, like a mouse. That made me grin. "That's my girl." I said, jumping off the balcony, and I transported back to my castle. My only worry now was for the girl. If the Witch found her, she was in big trouble.

"Calcifer!" I bellowed when I got inside the door. "I need you to take the castle to the Wastes, about 20 miles from here."

Calcifer turned to me and started ranting in his raspy voice. "The Wastes? Howl, are you nuts? Have you forgotten about the Witch?" I scowled at him. "No, I haven't, but we need to stay close by, and her doorstep is the last place she would look for me." I hope."

Now, will you please do it?" He just started muttering under his breath, but complied. He took a good look at me then. "Howl, are you alright?" he said, worried now. Was there such thing as a schizophrenic fire demon? If there was, it had to be Calcifer. "No, Calcifer, I'm not. A young girl was being harassed by those idiots in uniform, and when I tried to help her, the Witch's blob men showed up. We got away, but I have a bad feeling that they are going to go after her once she is alone, and I can't do a blasted thing about it! I put a spell on her for now, but it will only last till sunset!" I snarled at him.

Suddenly, Markl came down the steps. I smoothed my features and returned to my calm demeanor. He was smart, but after all, he was still just a child. He didn't need to be worried about the ways of the world just yet. "Hello, Markl. Did you practice that spell I gave you before I left?"

He nodded, a sheepish grin on his face. I suddenly became suspicious. "And?" I said. He smiled, and showed me the result. The spell was to turn things invisible. I had given him a fish to practice, and it had been turned, not invisible, but a slightly unhealthy purple color. I smiled and ruffled his hair. "That's alright, you were pretty close. But did you remember the moonstone?" Markl slapped his forehead. "I knew I forgot something!' he cried.

"It's alright, we can try again tomorrow, alright?" He nodded, happy again. I turned to the fire demon at the hearth. "Calcifer, run hot water for my bath." I ordered the fire demon. "One thing at a time!" he said. I just rolled my eyes as I ascended the stairs. But now I had time to worry about the girl again. I would check on her tomorrow morning.

But something told me she wouldn't be there.


	2. Nightmares

**Chapter 2: Hello all! I am sorry I have not updated! But since Mr. common cold visited me today, I have to stay home! So here it is. Sorry it is short, I am working on a bigger prject.****But I pinky promise the next chapter will be chock full of beastyness!**

**For those of you who favorited/story alerted/reviewed my story, I would like you to pretend I showed up at your door and gave you an I-love-you-so-so-much glomp!**

**But onto my story! Remember, reviews are love!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Howl's Moving Castle. So you better not sue me, got it?**

**EDIT 2-11-12: Here we go. Added more details, cleaned up some things, changed a couple others, got rid of that bloody author's note that broke the story.**

After my bath, I went upstairs to bed. I was very tired from the day's events, and frankly, even a good wizard such as I needed his rest. I had always loved my bedroom. Most people, upon seeing the blinking eyes and orbs around my room, became either repulsed or confused. Or both.

Then again, seeing as most people included Markl, one girl long ago, and the wizard that had helped me build this marvelous castle, I suppose this is not an adequate summary of all people. What they didn't know was that each one was a tool. Some helped me keep a watch on my castle, some warned me of danger, and others were just for my enjoyment. (For example, there were two stuffed cows from my childhood on the bed called Benny and Waldo.) I plopped onto my bed, exhausted. The magic I had used today had taken a lot out of me. But I least I hadn't needed to fight those blob men head on. Closing my eyes, I got some much needed rest.

Unfortunately for me, rest always meant nightmares.

_A burning city lay below me as I flew. _

_The other country's bombs had severely diminished the small town. I could hear people screaming for help. A raging fury was ravaging its way through me. The "people" if they could be called that, which had done this were no more than the lowest monsters. The bane of the Earth. I would destroy them. I would take revenge on them for the people who could not. But for now, I would help. I would heal. I landed in a not too far off field and transformed back into a human, prepared to do whatever I could to help. It wasn't until I got to the border of the city that I realized the screaming had stopped._

_Running through the city, I examined the destruction. It was only when I got to the town square that I saw how horrific the scene really was. "Dear God." I whispered. For there, piled under the rubble that was the town where thousands of people, all destroyed by two country's bloodthirstiness, by a petty fight among kings._

_Suddenly, the small girl from the parade earlier today ran through the square. Her face was marked by terrible burns, and as I stumbled forward to help her, she disappeared. All went black around me and I heard a maniacal laugh that was all too familiar. Suddenly, something attacked me from behind and in a burst of pain, I fell to the ground._

"No!" I yelled as I sprung upright. It was night now, and I could hear it raining horrendously outside. A great clash of thunder sounded, and I slowly sank back against my mattress. If I had my heart, it would be crashing against my chest. "What a horrible nightmare." I muttered, already halfway back asleep.

_I was in my Raven form in the Otherworld. The Otherworld is the place the black door leads. It is a portal. A road. Another world. A healing place. A fighting place._

_My greatest hell._

_My place of resting._

_My Otherworld._

_To make up for me not having a heart, I have done my best to help end the war. I fight neither for Ingary nor against it. I simply fight. Both sides were at fault here. The Otherworld takes me where I am needed the most. A few years back, it might just have been a small trifle, such as a fire or a robbery. Simple matters, easily taken care of. Nowadays though, I am always at the scene of battles. The dream I just had was nothing compared to the horrors I see every day._

_Looking down below, I squinted to see what the trouble was. Down below, I could see a young woman standing in a grassy field all alone, just outside the city that had been in my previous dream. She sank to her knees and put her head in her hands. As I moved closer, I recognized somebody I had known almost my whole life._

_Starlight silver hair down to her shoulders, wearing a blue dress, with the brownest eyes I had ever seen. "Hello Sophie." I murmured quietly, sitting down beside her. She didn't speak. She rarely did when she made appearances in my dreams. Her head bolted up, and she smiled sadly at me. I could still see the tear tracks down her face. "Hello Howl." she mouthed. I flopped down on my back, closing my eyes. I felt a hand rest on my shoulder. I opened my eyes, and blue met brown. "Are you okay?" she mouthed. "No." I said. A bitter grin laced my face. "Am I ever?" _

_She put her hand on my arm and squeezed reassuringly. I leaned my head against her hand, and close my eyes. Opening them, I saw that she was smiling softly at me. "When am I going to find you like you told me to?" She threw back her head in a silent laugh. She put her hand on my forehead, and I had an image of the girl I had helped earlier at the festival. "Soon" she said, finally using her pretty voice. "Sooner than you think."_

Opening my eyes, I sighed and slowly got out of bed. I was glad that I had ended my sleep with Sophie. Even though I had not really met her yet, she always made me smile. I was surprised she had used her voice. Once, when I asked her why she didn't speak a lot, she replied that it tired her, since I had only heard her voice for a few moments and didn't really know what it truly sounded like.

The day that would be burned in my mind forever. The day I gave my heart away.

Getting dressed, I proceeded to walk down the long wooden stairs that led to the common room. "Good morning Calcifer." I muttered, though I knew my friend was still asleep and probably had not even heard me. I stepped out into the morning air, prepared to find the girl from yesterday.


	3. The Search

**Chapter 3: I am going to shut up and start the chapter, so here we go **

**Disclaimer: You don't sue me, I don't hit you with a stick **** I own NOTHING**

**This chappie is dedicated to Ryukisu for kicking me into gear :)**

AsI walked through the street, I cursed myself for not even getting the young woman's name before I left her on the balcony. "_Idiot!" _I lectured myself. "_You knew you were going to try and find her again, and you don't even bother to get her _name." I huffed, blowing some of my bleach blond hair out of my eyes. "_Okay, Howl, use your brains. She said she was going to the bakery, yes? Okay, so now what we do is go to the bakery and ask about her."_

Enthusiastic about my plan, I hurried my steps toward the area of town where I had dropped her off yesterday. "Okay, bakery, bakery." I muttered to myself. Finally, I saw the large gaudy pink sign. I walked in and stepped up to the counter. A very pretty brunette in her pink uniform came up to me. "Hey there. What can I get you?" Once I would have tried to charm her, but right now I was focused on something else. "Do you know the young woman who stopped here yesterday? Very quiet, brown hair and eyes, wearing a hat?" She looked at me puzzled for a minute, then her eyes lit up. "Oh! You must mean Lettie's sister!" Suddenly she wore a very suspicious expression. "Why?" I grinned my most charming grin at her. "No reason. I just met her yesterday and I wanted to see how she was doing." Well, it wasn't _lying_ exactly, but that was not the only reason I wanted to find her.

She smiled softly, and then nodded her head. "I'm afraid I don't know where she is, but I can go ask Lettie, though I'm not sure she'll answer. Poor dear, she seems really frazzled today." I just nodded my head, beginning to grow impatient. As she went in the back, I drummed my fingers on the countertop. What was taking her so long? Ten minutes later, I was sure I was going to go crazy. "_Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored." _ I sang mentally. Finally, though the brunette came out behind the counter, a worried expression on her face. "And?" I said politely, trying to mask my impatience. "She said that you must mean her sister Sophie, and yes she was here yesterday."

I looked at her, eyes wide. "What did you say the girl's name was?" I asked. I must have heard her wrong, I mean it just couldn't be my -, "Sophie. Sophie Hatter. But she says she is so sorry, but Sophie is very sick. She has been in bed all day." Worry took over the surprise. After all, if it was _my_ Sophie, then we just couldn't have her so ill. "Alright thank you. Tell Lettie I appreciate her time and hope that Sophie will be alright. She nodded and with another smile, turned away from me.

As I exited the shop, my mind was racing. If it _was_ my Sophie, then I would somehow have to convince her to come with me to the castle. If it _wasn't_ my Sophie, I still wanted to make sure she was alright. For some odd reason, I didn't really believe that she was ill, at least not naturally. It was too much of a coincidence. Something told me that this was due to the Witch. "Blast her!" I muttered. I was so sick of Emma meddling in my affairs. Just because I am seen _talking_ to someone of the female persuasion other than herself, suddenly I must be courting the girl.

After asking around town, I found out that Sophie Hatter owned a hat shop (which I found slightly ironic) downtown It took me four hours, but I _finally _found the shop. When I got there, a very fancily dressed woman spotted me and gave me huge, obviously fake, grin. "Hello!" she said, a bit too cheerily, "What can I do for you today! Purchasing a hat for someone special, I suppose?" I smiled softly at her and shook my head. "No, I am actually inquiring after one of the ladies who work here. Sophie Hatter?" her grin faded somewhat and she suddenly became much less cheery. "I'm sorry but Sophie is sick today. But I'm sure one of our other girl's will be glad to help you." I shook my head. "No thank you." Walking out of the store, I looked for any windows. Usually there was a living quarters above these shops.

I was not wrong. After casting an invisibility spell, I used the same type of magic from yesterday. Rising thirty or so feet in the air, I went from window to window, looking for one that had somebody ill. However, _every single one was empty._ I could feel remnants of magic here, and it wasn't my own. "Emma." I snarled. Swearing I dropped to the ground. Emma had either taken the girl or she had run away after a spell had been cast upon her. I immediately started toward the hills where I knew my castle was. When I found the door, I opened it and went inside.

My apprentice Markl was standing there. "Master Howl!" he said, and then told me about letters demanding I go to the castle. Lovely. That just completely made my whole freaking day. I looked up and saw something that made my eyes widen in shock.

Standing there was an old woman in her mid-eighties, _cooking._


	4. Grandma Sophie

**Chapter 4: Hey ya'll! Guess what? I have 28 reviews! Yaaay! It's funny, when I first started this story, I didn't think it would be very popular just because the chapters are so short. I guess I was wrong****Thank you guys!**

**This chappie is dedicated to Ryukisu! Thanks for keeping me motivated!**

**Edit 2-24-12: Yeah, I know, it's been a while since I started. That's okay, I'm going to finish up tonight and tomorrow. At least with Heart's. I will then do a new chapter, and move on to editing Gemini. I will then edit any one shots I missed. Also…why did I have theis so short the first go around? **

As I looked at the old woman, her appearance wavered slightly in my eyes. For a second she looked like Sophie. Not the girl from the parade Sophie, but _my_ Sophie. Curious. What really surprised me was that she was _cooking_. As in, Calcifer was obeying her. And he wasn't complaining. Usually, when a demon had swallowed somebody's heart, the person died. In very rare instances where the demon was a fire demon (For fire demons came from stars, and for a star to swallow a heart, a heart had to be volunteered) only the person who had given away their heart could use it for any sort of task. That included cooking. "Calcifer, you're being so obedient." I said, smiling slightly, but really my thoughts were racing. Who was this woman? How had she gotten inside my castle? Where my wards down? Or had Calcifer let her in?

Calcifer looked up at me indignantly. "Not on purpose, she bullied me!"It took a little effort not to laugh. But at the same time, I was suspicious. But I kept my voice light. "Not just anyone can do that." I turned to the old lady, "And you are who?" She looked at me startled. Her eyes were the same as my Sophie. "Um, you can just call me Grandma Sophie. I'm your new cleaning lady; I just started work today." My smile grew a little wider. "Give that to me." I said pushing her aside gently. I didn't feel any cruel or evil intent from her, but at the same time, I would feel more comfortable if the only one who got near Calcifer was either Markl or myself. When I touched the old woman's hand, a little spark ran up my arm. Okay. Even more curious. "Hand me two more slices of bacon, and six of those eggs." I said quietly. She did so and we sat there in silence.

When I asked her who hired her, she stumbled through her words a bit. She was lying. I could tell. In truth, Calcifer had probably tried to make a deal with her already. I knew I was correct when he gave me a bit of a guilty look. I suppressed a sigh. He thought I didn't notice just how tied down he felt. I knew it wasn't me he hated, as much as he may have acted. He was a fire demon, but once, he was a star. And stars were used to the entire sky. He had a dull living room of a wizard who was becoming a hermit at a young age. Pretending I didn't notice the look, I threw the eggshells into his mouth. We would talk later. "Markl, get the plates!" I brought the hot food over to the table. I heard Markl chattering about something to Sophie, but my mind was racing. I just couldn't believe that this was a coincidence. First, _my_ Sophie appears to me when I am ten years old, telling me to come and find her in the future. After this, I continue to see her in my dreams almost every night. Then, I save another Sophie at the parade. Then, an old woman named Sophie comes to my castle. This wasn't an accident. Something was going on. Was she the same person? Was a spell involved in this?

Yes. That had to be it. Whatever that spell was, this woman was not as she appeared to be.

After we all started eating, I turned to Sophie, needing to be sure of something. If my suspicions were correct, then I already knew who was behind this. "So, Sophie, what do you have in your pocket?" I said amicably. She looked at me in surprise. She reached into the pocket of her dress, and came up with a small red card. Inscribed on the front was a little black mark. I knew it.

Emma.

"What is this?" The fact that she didn't even know what it was confirmed my thoughts. Emma didn't like to tell her victims anything about the curse they were given. "Give it to me." When I touched it, it sparked and fell to the table. It burned onto the surface, leaving scorch marks. I knew what this was. A little gift from Emma. Damn it. I bit back a gasp as a wave of power rushed over me, spreading to the corners of the room. Upon the table, thick black marks were inscribed.

"Scorch marks! Howl, can you read them?" Markl said. I frowned.

You who swallowed a shooting star;  
O, heartless man.  
Your heart shall soon be mine.

"That is ancient magic, quite powerful, too." I read what it said, and I knew my face had grown two or three shades paler. "That can't be good for the furniture." I mumbled. Placing my hand over the marks, I cast a spell that would get rid of the scorch marks. When I saw them disappear, a satisfied smirk grew across my face. But it quickly disappeared. "The mark is gone, but the spell is still there."

Double the wards. Cast a new bending spell to further hide my castle. A spell of healing couldn't hurt either, for the bad luck charm that Emma had put on the card.

"Please, friends, continue your meal." I got up and walked toward the hearth. "Calcifer, move 60 miles to the west," I said, walking up the stairs. "And while you're at it, make hot water for my bath." I ignored his muttered complaints. When I got to my room, I kicked the wall, furious. Why couldn't she just leave me alone? Did she not realize that I wanted absolutely nothing to do with her? I put my head in my hands and sat against the wall.

Tonight I would have to revive the wards on my castle to cancel out the spell she had cast on my home. I would also have to place a ward around Sophie. She was staying if I had anything to say about it. I needed to figure her out.

After a couple hours, I went downstairs. "Sophie! Sophie, please help! I'm falling." I frowned, angry, then calmed myself. She did not understand that is if my friend died, then I would too. I quickly rushed downstairs and threw some wood on the fire then I put Calcifer in my hand. It was strange to feel my own heart thrumming in my hand. I blew gently, giving the fire more oxygen. "Calcifer, friend, wake up." I said gently putting him on the wood. I saw him grow bigger, and sighed in relief. I put my hand close to the flames to make sure he was okay. "Thanks Howl." He muttered. That was when Sophie came back in.

I looked up at her. "I would appreciate it if you would not torment my friend." I said with a gentle smile. It wasn't her fault, she just didn't understand. I walked toward the portal door and changed it to the door that would take me to the Otherworld. "Master Howl, are you going out now?" I nodded and then looked back at Markl. "Make sure the cleaning lady doesn't too carried away." I told him with a wink.

Opening the door into the Otherworld, I quickly flew into the darkness.


	5. Oh, Let Them Come

**Chapter 5: Yo! Haha, more than 30 reviews! I am so happy! I had a lot of fun with this chapter because this is my first HMC battle scene. **

**Disclaimer: I haven't done this in a while, so I might as well do it now. I own nothing of HMC :) So you cannot sue me, comprende? (I am going to pretend I spelled that right :D) **

The darkness pressed against me until I couldn't see my hand in front of my face. I could hear the hot air rushing past me. Closing my eyes, I mumbled the spell that gave me my Raven form. I knew this was really stupid and reckless. You see, there was a drawback to my Otherworld form; if I stayed in it for too long, the change would become permanent, and I would never remember my life as a human. In fact, the only reason why the change did not become permanent immediately is because I didn't have a heart. Calcifer kept pressing me to stop making the change, but I couldn't. I wouldn't. Let them come.

Looking down, I saw different patches of land that were being attack. Suddenly, I witnessed a house explode with the heat of the fire. I could hear the screaming. No. No! I was too late. _"Murderers." _I hissed in my mind. "_Stupid ruthless killers!" _Looking ahead, I saw more bombs falling, great clouds of red fire, smoke, and ash blooming like flowers in the spring.I felt the monster inside me raging, asking me, no, begging me for blood. For death. For revenge. Its voice was a seductive thing made of honey. I wanted it, too. I wanted to see those dead, those that killed. But the more human side of me argued with it, convincing it that blood was not the answer. I was just the tool, of course, for these two sides of me. Each used me for their own ways. I usually went with the good, but sometimes, like now, I urged to let the monster loose. Let them come.

Looking above, I saw an Ingary battleship let loose monsters. Wizards that too had changed into monsters. The only difference was that they would not ever change back. But right now, I didn't care. Let them come. I kept a grin on my face, challenging any of those killers to face me. Let them come.

I whispered a spell I they flew toward me causing them immeasurable pain. I flew into a large group of them. I could feel them scratching and clawing at me. One clawed me in the side, and I gasped at the furious pain that racked me. Another drew its claw against my beautiful face. Finally one kicked me hard in the stomach, making the breath leave my lungs. And then it happened. I felt almost every amount of bloodlust leave me. The monster had crawled away to nurse its wounds. I realized that while I would love to continue fighting, I needed to leave. Now. I muttered another spell so I could return home to my castle. The monsters would probably follow me, but Calcifer and my wards would protect me and my family-of sorts. Let them come

I opened the door to my home and slowly walked inside, every step feeling as though I was walking on a thousand burning knives. I plopped down in a chair that I supposed Mark had set out for me. I would have to remember to thank him later. Calcifer sat there watching me, looking worried. He whistled lowly. "You okay Howl? You smell terrible." "_Yes, well that happens when you are fighting among dirty monsters and fire and plumes of smoke." _I thought sarcastically to myself. I half groaned; it was time to make the switch. It was always painful, especially now when I was injured like this. I gathered up all my energy and thought of everything that made me desire to be human.

"_My home." _I thought, _"Markl: the way that he laughs and his grin when he finally gets a piece of magic right, Calcifer: literally, the keeper of my heart and one of my best friends, never mind his pestering, Ingary, hair-dye, beauty, nature, memories of my childhood, magic." _It worked. I could feel myself changing back into a human. My claws changed into shoes, my black spiky feathers into blonde hair, my wings into arms, more feathers into cloth. Thoroughly exhausted, I rested once again against the chair. Calcifer and I talked for a while about the state of the war, and then I walked slowly to bed. Before I did, though, I looked in on Sophie. Instead of the old maid I expected to see though, there was a beautiful young woman with brown hair and a small face. Shock rang through my body; lying there was the girl from the parade. And she was even more beautiful than before.

I understood now. Emma must have placed a curse on her, one to make her old except when she slept. The only problem was that this specific curse was not able to be released, except by the one it is cast upon. It makes one turn into their greatest fears. I realized that Sophie's fear was to be an old maid, all alone, with nobody but herself. Sorrow replaced the shock. How horrible, to imagine yourself alone your whole life. To have no one to talk to.

As I walked up the stairs to my room, I realized that my list of reasons to be human had been added too. "_Sophie."_ I thought, "_and her humble fears that put me to shame." _ When I got to my room, I healed myself of most of my injuries, except one. There was a long cut that wrenched its way from my hip to the middle of my chest. It could easily be hidden by my shirt. I am not sure why I left it there. I just did.

Getting into bed, I realized that I could deal with the nightmares tonight. As long as I had my family and my home, I could push through it. And so I went to sleep, a smile on my face, ready for the nightmares.

Let them come.

**And there is Chapter 5! I have an announcement! **

****CONTEST ALERT!** **CONTEST ALERT!** **CONSTEST ALERT!****

**I need a **_**male**_** OC for an upcoming chapter. The only rule is that he needs to be around Howl's age, and he is the ****enemy. ****mkay?**

**I need: **

**Name:**

**Looks: **

**Personality: **

**So there ya go!**


	6. CONTEST ALERT

**CONTEST ALERT!**

OKAY SO I KNOW THIS IS NOT A CHAPTER AND I AM REALLY SORRY FOR THAT, BUT I HAVE THE WINNER OF THE OC CONTEST. AND THE WINNER IS (DRUMROLL)

**AZUREVERMILLION'S OC SILVER! ALRIGHT, NOW SINCE THIS WAS SUBMITTED ON AN ANONYMOUS REVIEW, I WILL HAVE TO PUT MY IDEAS ON HERE. I CHANGED HIS NAME TO GIN (WHICH IS SIVER IN JAPANESE, SO NOT A HUGE CHANGE) AND HE WILL PLAY THE PART OF THE MINOR VILLIAN OF MY STORY! SO, HOORAY FOR YOU!**

**TO ALL THOSE WHO WERE NOT CHOSEN, I AM REALLY SORRY, BUT I BASED MY PICK OFF OF THE MOST BELEIVABLE OC AND WHO WOULD FIT IN MOST FOR MY PLOT FOR THE SEQUEL (I HAVE EVERYTHING ALREADY PLANNED OUT) SO PLEASE NO FLAMES IF YOUR OC WAS NOT CHOSEN!**


	7. Tantrums and Trials

**Chapter…We're on seven now, right? : Anyways, I'm back! I'm so sorry it took so long. After the promised ten days I went to write this chapter only to find that my source of dialogue had disappeared. Therefore, since I refuse to do my stories without the proper dialogue, (It just makes the story so much better if that is correct), I had to wait until I got another chance to record it on my DVR. Then, well, I kind of just lost my motivation. But I watched the movie again and I really wanted to write more so here we are!**

**So, enough of my meaningless blabbering, ONTO THE STORY! **

**P.S I loved writing this chapter! I love getting really in depth in the masterpiece that is Howl Pendragon. You see, I like taking the tiniest facial expressions, the smallest events, and looking at the reason for them. Maybe I over think things, but I find it makes both good writing and good reading. :)**

**Disclaimer: Most unfortunately, I do not own any aspects of Howl's Moving Castle. So, don't sue me, because I am also most unfortunately broke. **

**Chapter 7: In which Howl expresses his feelings with green slime **

The next day, while Sophie took Markl to get some food, I was in my bath, mulling over some ideas to get out of going to the castle. I detested that place. Every time I went there, (and believe me, I do not make a habit of it.) all that happens is Sulliman ends up feeling threatened and tries to capture me and make me a puppet. On my last visit about five years ago, she tried to get me to reveal my Otherworld form. In front of the king. This, once he realized that the only reason I was so powerful was because of a demon, would be a very bad thing. The king may sometimes talk like a fool, but he is no idiot. At least, if Sulliman hasn't taken complete control over him. She may seem like a good person, but deep down, she is a power hungry witch. I was her most treasured apprentice until I came to my senses and turned against her. I still have the scar on my back from that cutting curse she threw at me in her anger (Though I have taken care to hide it). I have only seen her only the one time since then.

I scowled. "_I could disguise myself to make my escape." _No, that would never work. To make it perfect, you had to act exactly like the person you were trying to transform into. I must have sat there for hours trying to think of ways to get out of it. Finally, I got out of the tub, deciding to think on it later. After dyeing my hair, I went to my room to get dressed. But as I passed the mirror, something caught my eye. I looked back and my face turned into a mask of horror.

My.

Hair.

Was.

_**Red.**_

I screamed loudly. How was this possible! My beautiful long blond hair was _gone._ I looked around wildly and heard people's voices downstairs. Sophie. This was all her fault. She was the one to clean the bathroom, she must have, have _tampered_ with something! I covered my eyes in distress. I was hideous. Running out of the bathroom, I hardly noticed when I ran into a wall. Hideous. I was repulsive. "Sophie!" I shouted running down the stairs. "You-you sabotaged me! Look at this! Look!" I screamed, running down the stairs, panicked.

"What a pretty color." She offered. I stared at her in disbelief. How-how dare she mock me in my grief. "It's hideous! You deliberately messed with my potions in the bathroom!" She paled a little bit and held out her hands to me. "I was just organizing things, Howl, nothing is ruined." She said, trying to comfort me, I suppose. But I was not to be comforted.

"Wrong! Now I look hideous." I whimpered slumping into a chair conveniently placed in front of a fireplace, placing my head in my hands. The hair in front of my eyes started swiftly changing to its original blackish blue color. "You should look at it now, this shade is even better!" she said enthusiastically. But it did not help. If anything, this just made it worse. "I give up. I see no point in living if I cannot be beautiful." I moaned. Circling around me, the spirits of Darkness that hid themselves in the very recesses of every human's mind presented themselves. I heard Markl whisper something to Sophie, and I just sunk deeper into my chair. I briefly heard her say something about re-dying my hair, but it was too late. You see, when any wizard or witch becomes extremely depressed, we have this, erm, habit of our skin excreting a pungent green slime. I felt her recoil as she touched my back.

Okay, so that might have been taking it a bit too far. However, I honestly couldn't help it. You see, ever since my parents died when I was a child, I have this tendency to keep every single thing that worries me hidden. Imagine stuffing every single thing that worried you, or made you angry, or saddened you in a tiny glass bottle. Well, with me, when a single incident makes a crack in the fragile glass…

Everything bursts out. All the emotions and heavy thoughts I had been dealing with threw themselves in my face, like a heavy, poisonous wind that you can't escape. It just keeps circling around you head, begging to you; _breathe me in, breathe me in._ The results often prove disastrous. So I just sat there. I heard Sophie shout something at me, and felt the vibrations of a slamming door. "_Fine._" I thought acidly, "_Abandon me. Leave me. I don't need you." _

The monster in my head had now turned against me. "_Look at you."_ It hissed, streaking its way through my head. "_You're nothing. A simple minded wizard. Think of all the things you have done; all the lives you've destroyed." _

The battleships I had destroyed, those monstrous wizards I had defeated. Most of them had had lives, and families. People that were waiting for them to come to a home that they would never see. "_Who are YOU to decide who lives or dies? Are you really any better than them? _

Not every battle turned out in my favor. Sometimes, I got there too late. The towns were already destroyed, the people dead. I could have gotten there sooner, could have done something. I began to shake, the grief and sorrow of my own and some other's actions piling up in my throat. "_You proclaim yourself a good person. Why did you let them die?" _I dropped my head on the edge of the hearth, probably earning myself a bruise.

The door opened softly as someone opened the door.

"Such drama." A female voice proclaimed.

"Is he dead?" I heard Markl mutter to whoever it was.

If only.

"No, he's just having a tantrum." Sophie said. The words were like needles, but I mentally brushed them off. She didn't know what I dealt with everyday. It wasn't her fault. I was vaguely aware of being pushed in my chair to the stairs. Sophie started carrying me up the stairs.

"Come on, Howl, you can still walk." She groaned. I could tell she thought I was just throwing a fit, like a selfish toddler who didn't get their way. The truth was, it felt like all of the energy had been seeped out of me. I was as weak as a baby at the moment. I wasn't surprised. These episodes always left me completely exhausted. I was slipping in and out of consciousness as it were. One moment we were starting up the stairs, the next I was in the bathtub, with hot water running over me.

"Get him cleaned up Markl!" Sophie called. "Kay!" he shouted back. He turned to me and began scrubbing what was left of the thick green slime off my back.

"Are you alright Master Howl? The last time you did that you slept for three days." he said.

I opened my blue eyes and looked at him. Somehow, I managed to give him a genuine, albeit shaky, smile. "I'll be fine, Markl."

"Sophie was really upset."

"I know. I will apologize later."

He stared knowingly at me in a way that made me fidget. "That wasn't really about your hair, was it?"

I raised my eyebrow at him? Perceptive little bugger, wasn't her? "Not entirely." I sighed.

"You want to talk about it?"

I shook my head. This didn't satisfy

"Was it your nightmares again?"

I sighed again. "You know about that?" I said, defeated.

"You scream in your sleep sometimes." He said. I made immediate plans to put a silencing spell on my room; Markl didn't need to hear that.

"I didn't know that. I'm sorry, that must have scared you a bit." He shrugged in a way that clearly said '_I got used to it."_ I looked at him carefully, my face asking a question I didn't want to say.

"You haven't done it since the night before Sophie got here though, so I don't think she knows." He said. Relief coursed through me. Thank goodness.

"Thank you Markl."

"You're welcome Master Howl."

When I finally plopped into bed, I fell asleep within the next two seconds, but not before a single thought popped in my head.

"_What am I gonna do?"_


	8. Plans made, Plans exposed

**Chapter 9: Hello my friends! I am so so sorry for the long wait! Thanks to Ryukisu..er…RyuRosuto for encouraging me! (Sorry I thought you were a girl, by the way.) Also thanks to PhantomListener101!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing that pertains to Howl's Moving Castle! I can't even say I own Gin, because he is azurevermillion's. **

**Oh by the way, before you read the rest of this story, I must give you some advice.**

**Starting now, take everything you thought you knew about Howl's past and this story's future.**

**Now throw it away.**

After my little…episode, I suppose you would call it, I became ill. It happened every now and again, when I used too much of my power. It always exhausted me, spending too much of my magic, and over the past couple weeks, with all of my transformations, I had been growing weaker and weaker, and my body had officially started rebelling.

That being said, now that I had let everything out, my mind was clearer. After that night, a strange peace had started painting its way through my mind. I didn't want to worry about the King's request or Emma or the war, so I just didn't.

I knew however, that this strange calm couldn't last. That's the funny thing about peace; it never stays. Oh sure, it can remain for years, generations even. But there was always something out there who wanted it to make it go away. Sometimes, it goes away, like a bird who's been startled. They say love is a fickle; well peace is that way also.

Yes, a very fickle indeed, peace.

One night, I was lying in bed in my room, trying to sleep. I could feel the exhausted illness work its way out of me. As it did, a strange apprehension filled me. Something bad was going to happen; I could feel it. The time was coming closer with every second and as it did, my fear grow also.

"_I am such a coward."_ I sighed and shifted on my bed, laying flat on my back and closing my eyes. Suddenly, I was interrupted in my self-loathing when footsteps sounded outside my door. I figured it was Markl again; he had been bringing me all of my meals every since I had lost it. I preferred it this way; the thought of facing Sophie so soon was not something I welcomed. I had just hoped I wouldn't have to face her after I acted so shamefully.

"Howl, I'm coming in."

Of course.

I kept my eyes closed as she walked in. Soon I could feel her standing over me. "I brought you some warm milk, want a sip?" I just shook my head, confused by her kindness. Didn't she hate me? Wasn't she frightened?

"I'll just leave it here. Try to drink it, before it gets cold."

"Sophie, wait." I wanted her to stay with me. Just as much as I had never wanted to face her again, now did I want her to remain here with me.

"Do you want some milk?"

What was with the darn milk? Trying to mask my impatience, I shook my head no. As she was sitting down on a chair from my desk, I felt shame again. I couldn't keep doing this. Being kind, being cruel. Even if I was just cruel in my thoughts.

Suddenly, one of the trinkets above my bed flashed and pointed to the north. I sucked in a deep breath. Crap. Sophie looked at me concerned, and I was going to tell her it was nothing, before I realized that was half the problem. I couldn't keep hiding my problems and my worries. The small glass bottle couldn't just keep repairing itself. Someday, it was going to break for good.

"The Witch of the Waste is trying to find my castle." I said hurriedly, knowing I couldn't lie to her.

Her eyes widened and she looked at me. "I saw one of her henchman at the harbor."

At these words, a bolt of fear ran through me, then one of loathing.

"I am such a big coward; all I do is hide. And all this magic is just to keep everybody away. I can't stand how scared I am." The words ran through my lips before I could stop them. It was easy, frighteningly easy, to share everything with Sophie. Something about her just put me at ease, and set me on edge at the same time.

The concern was back again. "Howl, why is the witch of the Waste trying to hunt you down?"

Because I had given her false hope.

Because I had left her.

Because it was my fault she had been banished.

"She was once quite beautiful, so I decided to pursue her. Then I realized she wasn't, so as usual, I ran away," I mentally winced; she was sure to take that the wrong way.

By beautiful, I had meant kind. Emma had always been concerned for me, had cared for me, and listened to me. So I stayed with her, and though some suspected it, we were never lovers, though I knew sometimes she wished we were. She was much older than me, though, and I was fine with being friends. After a while, she changed. She would start ranting about all that was wrong with the world. She had become paranoid about everybody. Finally, she snapped, in a way. She had decided she would change what she didn't like. And she didn't really like anything but herself, for the most part. Finally, I had become frightened; the Emma I knew had changed, and never returned. So one night, I had run away. Shortly afterwards I had built this castle. I was seventeen; three years before Markl had come to my doorstep, an orphan since five who didn't care where he was going. My life on the run had started.

"I can't run forever though." I added quietly to myself, "I have to report to the palace, as both Pendragon _and _Jenkins."

"How many aliases do you have, anyway?" Sophie said.

"As many as I need to keep my freedom."

Emma hadn't been the only one after me. After I had ended my apprenticeship, the palace had hunted for me as well. They didn't realize until later that Emma and I were the only sorcerers besides Sulliman in this kingdom. Well, except for _him_, but I tried not to concern myself with him.

Gin.

My former best friend.

My deadliest enemy.

I especially did not want to deal with him. I had heard things about him after I had left, and if they are to be believed, then I should stay away from him; not only for my life, but for my family's lives as well.

"Then just refuse the King's invitation." She said simply.

"See that?" I said, pointing to the paper above my head. It was punctured by knives and scissors that still clung to the wall, pinning it in place. Let's just say that I had lost my temper a few times.

"That's the oath I took when I entered the Royal Sorcerer's Academy. I must report to the palace whenever summoned."

"I think you should go to see the king."

"What?" That was not an option. If I went to go see the king, then that meant I was going to see Sulliman. Then again, since the King is pretty much Sulliman's puppet by now, I suppose it's one in the same.

"Give him a piece of your mind. Tell him this war is pointless, and you refuse to take part, eh?"

I suppressed a smile. Oh, how I had taken part. I had had a hand in this war ever since the king of the next country had declared it. Then my amusement faded and I turned my head.

"You obviously don't know what these people are like." I said bitterly.

"But he's our king. He should want to listen to what all of his citizens want to say." She said.

Oh, he would listen. Then maybe put me in jail, or make me a soldier. Frankly, I didn't know what was worse. Every time the king was around me he either threatened me or started mothering.

Wait a minute. Mothering. What if-?

"I got! Why don't you go to the palace for me?"

She gaped at me as I grinned, enthusiastic about my plan. "Just say that you're Pendragon's mother, and your son is such a cowardly wizard that he won't show his face! Maybe then Madam Sulliman will finally give up on me!" How had I not thought of this already? Nobody had known I was an orphan, not even Sulliman. She had never asked me about my family life, nor did I suspect that she had ever cared. It was perfect!

I talked quickly, telling her of my plan, my enthusiasm growing with every word.

8 8 8 8 8

The next day, Sophie, Markl, Calcifer and I were all in the main room. I pressed back a small smirk at the look of both annoyance and determination on her face. "You're wearing that hat? After all the magic I used to make your dress pretty?" I teased, keeping an innocent look of confusion on my face.

It seemed, however, that Sophie couldn't take a joke. "Take care of him, Markl."

Markl made to follow her to the door, but I held up a hand, stopping him. Calcifer timidly wished her luck as she walked to the door. I sighed softly, and fingered the ring in my hand. Wait-the ring! Before she could go out the door, I swooped down and quickly slipped it on her finger. "This charm will guarantee your safe return. She looked back at me, and I gazed at her with genuine fondness. As I did, a quick decision snapped in my mind.

Maybe I could go to the castle.  
I was always berating myself being a coward; maybe now was the time to do something about it.

Not wanting to change my mind I kept hold of her wrist. "Don't worry. I'll follow behind you in disguise. Then, the concern in her eyes made me almost choke up with an emotion I couldn't quite place. "Now, off you go!" I said roughly, half pushing her out the door. As it closed, I heard Calcifer sigh under his breath. I knew what he wanted to say. "Markl, go get your Book of Spells. I want you to read the three pages concerning invisibility spells and their uses." He nodded and walked to the hallway. I could tell by his face he would be listening to every word we said, so after he walked up the stairs, I put a Silencing Charm on the stairwell. When this was done, I looked back at my friend with a raised eyebrow.

"Make it quick, Cal." I said softly.

"This isn't a good idea." He said. "After since this war started, I have watched you grow weaker and weaker, Howl. Maybe before all this mess started, you could have taken Sulliman on. You might have even been able to take on Gin." I flinched at the name, but he continued on, "But not now. You have transformed too many times. This inane plan is going to get you killed!"

I glared at him. "Inane or not, this plan is what could give us the result we want. You could be free, Cal."

"What about you?"

My fists tightened. "What about me?"

"You know just as well as I do that if I am free, you die."

"That isn't certain. Besides, don't you want to be free? Don't you want to leave? You wouldn't have to run this castle anymore. Besides, I'm not planning on doing it now. Soon, but not now. Loose ends need to be tied up. I need to help as much as I can. Then, I'll do what needs to be done." I walked to the other end of the room and stopped for a moment. "Try not to worry yourself to ashes Calcifer. Everything will be fine.

As I walked out, I felt the lie in my words.


End file.
